Well, I started work back up on Monday. Silly me, I thought I would be able to last a full day and not miss much in my rhtym I had before. I discovered, that was wishful thinking. At my 2 hour work day mark, I was ready to go home, but I pushed on to put in a 4 hour day. Tuesday, I made it to 4 and then physical therapy. My bones hurt and my emotions are swinging from limb to limb so fast I can't see them straight enough to figure them out. I realize I feel things deeply, which makes me an emtional person, but I like to think that I can aknowlege my emtion, let it out if it doesn't violate God's commandments, and then look at the pieces logically and keep moving forward. The other day, while at Staples, I was so tempted to just sit down on the floor and cry. How embarrasing would that have been. I prayed and kept walking to finish errands for my boss.
Grief and emotions are such an interesting experience. I have heard and believe that everyone deals with things uniquely. There are some similarities amongst people of course, but each one has their own story past, future, and present. After loosing four people I cared about in a year span, I am beginning to believe that not only does each person deal with grief differently, but each grief is different in it's own right.
I wondered if I should write all of this right now. Part of me feels like just emotionally letting go. How funny. I should want to do something even when I don't like doing it. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I find crying on my own feels worse and so lonely right now. I am trying to live life one day at a time, remembering that my hope is in God. He does truly supply all my needs. Like Paul in the Bible. I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to. It is so hard right now trying to go about a normal day. Normal. Does anyone know what that is. I have never found an answer. Steady, consistent, organized, productive. That is what I am trying to do. It is nearly three months since the accident. I look perfectly normal. Healed, happy, and living my life. That is so not true. I somehow feel like I need to tell people I am not normal, that every day missing Mom grows deeper, and that physically my body just isn't keeping up. I'm not asking to be babied. I'm not saying I would change anything. I'm saying I hurt and life Is the farthest thing from normal I could ever imagine. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a two way path and being nocked side to side by motion and yet I have no idea what track I am suppose to be on. I'm trying to find it. Maybe I am on it and I just feel like I should be somewhere else than I am right now. Honestly, that wouldn't surprise me. I always seem to be pushing myself to reach what is just beyond my fingertips. How I long to just sit back and rest and trust God and not put myself through needless struggle. I am reminded of just how human I am and I don't like it. I am so thankful that God is patient with me, I am certainly not patient with myself. Oh, how I see my deep and endless need for God. I see how penetrated by the worlds philosophy I really am. Where do we get told we should be perfect, what standard of okay to I measure myself, what is my view of success based on, how much of my life do I control, don't I deserve to be happy, isn't there something wrong with me if I struggle, doesn't the world only want to spend time with me if I am okay and positive, etc. What do I base my life on? What is truth? Gods word is truth? He has provided all we need for life and godliness. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Not another life. Another way. THE truth, THE life, and THE way. I must separate myself from lies and be obedient to Gods word and truth. How do I know what that is? In His word. Like never before I am seeing the unmeasurable need for Gods word. Not just to read. Not just to know. To be obedient. To do what God says to do. Without question.
In weakness He is made strong. That is not an excuse to be weak. Quite the opposite. We are weak creatures. We are incapable of good. So God sent His Son. Jesus Christ died upon the cross not being recognizable as a man for the beating and torture He went through. He shed His blood so that we may have hope of eternal life. In Christ alone, my hope is found. It is Christ that works in me both to will and do of His good pleasure. Tell me, does it take more courage to try and be good enough and pretend we have it all together or to get on our knees and admit our totally depravity and surrender to God? I pray I learn obedience and let go of the idea that I need to be in control. Father, thank you for your unfailing love. Amen.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
I'm Still Here
Well, I am taking for granted the fact that I am still here. I am so ready to be normal and back to my old self and yet, I lived through a horrible accident. I had an accident three years ago that I was blessed to live through, and after, I thought I was done with car accidents. I guess not.
Here is one picture of my car. If you looked at the right side, you wouldn't know it had been in an accident. The front drivers door still opens and closes normally. My door, well...that is a different story. It was hit completely by a mid sized truck (I heard a Ford F150) going about 55 miles an hour.
It took my along time before I could look at pictures. I am so thankful my friend Kendon stopped and got them for me. Outside of Gods grace, it was the build of my car for safety and the side airbag that saved my life. But, since nothing is outside of the Lord's plan for me I praise Him for saving my life.
There are so many aspects to these last few months, that I find myself a little at a loss as to what to write first. I think I will talk today about my biggest fear that I had to overcome from the accident. I mentioned above that I feel like I am taking for granted that I am still here. I hope that I don't follow that thought pattern. I am so thankful to be alive and I am apprehensive, I will admit, and excited to see why God spared my life. He must have something else He wants to do with me and in me. For all that the Lord has done for me, I wish I didn't still struggle with apprehension. He saved my life, He has given me grace, He has delivered me from the hand of darkness so many times.Thus, it is only by His grace and faithfulness that I am here today and where I am at and He is lovingly and patiently drawing me closer to Him. I feel closer to Him today than I ever have and see more how much I have to learn. I think God must be smiling at me right now, as He knows my thoughts and my puzzlement and His unfathomable love.
So, to my biggest fear. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was released 1-2 weeks sooner than they expected. Looking back I am so glad that was the case as they also sent me home with a $280,000 bill. I had no idea hospitals were so expensive and yet they were something I literally couldn't live without. Like everything else God has taken care of, I know He will also take care of this bill. However, when I was released from the hospital, the doctors wanted me on Coumadin. Coumadin is a literal rat poison that given in small enough dosses thins the blood. That is great because not being able to walk or move much, the potential for blood clots, which can be deadly, was hi. Well, then the hospital had to have me watch a video about all the side affects. There were so many bad reactions to the drug and then one of the warnings. Don't eat too many green leafy vegetables or fruits as that will thin the blood too much. WOW. Question. Why not just eat green leafy vegetables, take natural supplements, and not have all the nasty side affects? So, that is what I decided to do. The doctors were taken by surprise and the hospital was abuzz with concern that I might not be okay, that the supplements (specific ones given to me by a nurse who uses natural supplements to promote healing the bones and thinning the blood to a safe level) might not work. I heard warning after warning after warning. To my disappointment, I soaked up the fear like a sponge. I got home from the hospital and every day begged God to not let me die. I realized He had spared me from the accident on 12-22-12, but I was afraid to die. I had been through so much through 2012, that I didn't want to have it be for nothing. Bottom line, I was terrified and was not trusting God. This went on for weeks. Fear was eating away at me as I tried to push it away. I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to finally experience the freedom I had found in Christ, ironically, while I was rejecting that freedom in my state of fear. I finally tearfully talked to Dad. He reminded me that God is sovereign. God saved my life. God would not let me die until it was my time to go. We had just been ready to open some Christmas gifts from Mom that had been sitting on a chair since before the accident. I opened my first gift from Mom. It's almost if she knew where I would be the moment I opened it. It was a journal. A journal to write down events, thoughts, and blessings from my life. And then, written inside. "'Believe God's word and power more than you believe your own feelings and experiences. Your rock is Christ, and it is not the Rock which ebbs and flows, but your sea.' Samuel Rutheford. Anne, may God satisfy all your longings and fill all your hallow places with His lavish, unfailing love. ~ Mom. Phillipians 4:8 " Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
Mom gave me such a gift. The gift of writing a future that God had in store for me, the gift of remembering to put my trust in God who is my rock, and the reminder to choose what I allow myself to think on. From that day forward my fear diminished as my eyes looked for and found so many things to be thankful for. So many blessings God has bestowed. My I grow more in my praise of God and may my eyes look to Him for everything in my life. My mother has blessed my life so much. I miss her deeply and yet I will stand on my rock and my savior who has a perfect plan for my life, which would be no life at all lived outside of obedience to Him. Thank you Lord for the gift of life in you!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
My Loss Her Gain
Hello,
It has once again been a while since I last wrote. To be honest, I thought that after the death of Josh and the many struggles and lessons The Lord had for me to learn, that I would enter into a new and joyous year ready to apply these lessons and be used by the Lord. Well, I still hope to be used by The Lord, I am applying the lessons learned, and I rejoice because my God is unchanging and so faithful, however, this year just may be harder than the last. I have come to such a place of peace and rest that God is sovereign and that all He allows has a purpose that will result in good. Oh, how I pray that I will cling and grow ever closer to my God. That my longing to be in His word grows with each passing day resulting in me soaking His word into my life and applying it to all areas. He has given us all we need for life and godliness in His word and I want life. Life free from the world's lies. A life free of fear and unhindered by anything other than the unwavering and unconditional love of our Heavenly Father. A life full of LIFE. To live as Anne the servant and follower of God to follow wherever He would lead and to obey without question the path laid before me. To not try and fill someone else's shoes, but to grow as the woman God made ME to be.
So, that said. Here I am. It's 11pm where I sit in my bed and unable to keep my mind from pondering so I decided the wait is over. I am ready to put out my thoughts and look at my life. There will be joy, sorrow, laughter, and pain. If you choose to observe this journey and leave footprints along side mine, I would find it a honor. If not, I understand. I know not what lay ahead, but I rest in knowing my God does.
I shall start for now on December 22. A day that has once again set my world spinning and a day that has made unchangeable change. My Father's sister Terri was passing away of cancer after a very long and strong fight with cancer. With much pain and grief from her past, she turned from The Lord, choosing rather to try living life without the need for others. My heart was heavy as my father, mother, brother, and I got into my 2005 Subaru Legacy and started our journey to California to say goodbye. I5 was nearly closed because of heavy snow, so we decided to drive down the coast and over to the Grass Valley area of California to be safe. It was a lovely trip. We stopped first off in Cave Junction to get gas, make a deposit at Mom and Dad's bank, and then eat breakfast at (oh my, I don't remember the name. That happens often right now, but it will come back eventually). Well, as most of you know I love photography and have been doing it on the side for 10+ years. I have often wished to do road trips with someone who didn't mind stopping to take pictures, if I saw something that was just too beautiful to pass up. Mom and Dad didn't mind and so we actually stopped a few times to take pictures of the coast. It was a beautiful day! In case we were going to come across more beautiful scenery I left my camera in the back window of my car. Off we went. Mom and I having a wonderful time in the back seat. I was behind dad and mom was behind Scott. We stopped once to use the restroom and then we were off again. I want to say it was about 5:30ish when we started to think about food. I got out my handy little smart phone to try and find a place to eat. Dad and Scott wanted pizza and mom and I wanted a salad. We stopped at one pizza place only to find they didn't have salad and we were only 45 minutes from our destination for a hotel for the night. We decided to wait and drive all the way since all the places we were trying to find as we drove around a big lake (again, I don't remember the name) were dark and uninviting. I remember trying to find hotels on my phone GPS and maybe a place to eat at our destination and that is where my memory leaves off. My last memory of Mom was her and I watching a movie on my laptop as we waited for our destination and she and I were having a lovely time. Now, as the rest was told to me. I believe we were only about 15 minutes from destination when we missed our I5 on ramp and went down this little hill over I5 and pulled over. Dad waited for the car behind us to pass and then started to do a u-turn. With a force of about 55 miles an hour we were hit 100% on my door by a smaller truck. We were all unconscious for at least 30 minutes, for when dad came to, the freeway was lined on both sides with fire trucks, ambulances, police officers, and dad could hear the helicopter making its way to us. Before he saw any of us, but knew that we had been in a terrible accident The Lord said "in all things give thanks for this is the will of God concerning you". Dad said it was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do, to thank God for the accident and the road that lay ahead. I am so proud of my father because he did thank God. He then was taken out of the car where he heard me crying and groaning in pain, even though I was in a coma, as they tell me. They had to cut me out with the jaws of life. He saw his son being taken to an ambulance because he had a concision. He walked around to see my mother only to find that she died instantly without pain. He watched me be life flighted away not knowing if he would ever see me alive again. In all this, he gave thanks to God. Dad was able to ride in the ambulance with Scott to a smaller hospital as the rescue teams cleaned up the accident. My Uncle Ron went straight away to UC Davis medical center where I was taken care of and in ICU. My Uncle Steve's friend and his wife drove to get Dad so they could take him to my hospital. Scott was suffering some memory loss, but the doctors said he would be fine. I opened my eyes for the first time and saw my uncle watching over me. I was very groggy and unaware as he told me I had been in an accident, but was going to be okay. That is all I heard before I was fast asleep again. I woke up a second time to hear my dad and uncle talking about Scott, Dad, and the accident, but there was no mention of mom. I knew something was wrong and asked where mom was and why weren't they talking about her. Dad told me she didn't make it and a wave of emotion spilled over me. Would I panic, be angry, react in despair? Then The Lord said "Anne, I'm sovereign. Do you trust me?" My response was Yes. Then, instantly I was surrounded in peace. I knew my mom was in heaven with The Lord and I knew that God was in control and that was all I needed to know for now. What is our loss here on earth with the passing of my mother is truly her gain. She is without pain and rejoicing in the presents of our sovereign God. I look forward to the day I can rejoice with her.
I will write more soon. God has given me such grace as I could never imagine and so much to be thankful for. These last few months have been quiet a journey and it is not over yet.
It has once again been a while since I last wrote. To be honest, I thought that after the death of Josh and the many struggles and lessons The Lord had for me to learn, that I would enter into a new and joyous year ready to apply these lessons and be used by the Lord. Well, I still hope to be used by The Lord, I am applying the lessons learned, and I rejoice because my God is unchanging and so faithful, however, this year just may be harder than the last. I have come to such a place of peace and rest that God is sovereign and that all He allows has a purpose that will result in good. Oh, how I pray that I will cling and grow ever closer to my God. That my longing to be in His word grows with each passing day resulting in me soaking His word into my life and applying it to all areas. He has given us all we need for life and godliness in His word and I want life. Life free from the world's lies. A life free of fear and unhindered by anything other than the unwavering and unconditional love of our Heavenly Father. A life full of LIFE. To live as Anne the servant and follower of God to follow wherever He would lead and to obey without question the path laid before me. To not try and fill someone else's shoes, but to grow as the woman God made ME to be.
So, that said. Here I am. It's 11pm where I sit in my bed and unable to keep my mind from pondering so I decided the wait is over. I am ready to put out my thoughts and look at my life. There will be joy, sorrow, laughter, and pain. If you choose to observe this journey and leave footprints along side mine, I would find it a honor. If not, I understand. I know not what lay ahead, but I rest in knowing my God does.
I shall start for now on December 22. A day that has once again set my world spinning and a day that has made unchangeable change. My Father's sister Terri was passing away of cancer after a very long and strong fight with cancer. With much pain and grief from her past, she turned from The Lord, choosing rather to try living life without the need for others. My heart was heavy as my father, mother, brother, and I got into my 2005 Subaru Legacy and started our journey to California to say goodbye. I5 was nearly closed because of heavy snow, so we decided to drive down the coast and over to the Grass Valley area of California to be safe. It was a lovely trip. We stopped first off in Cave Junction to get gas, make a deposit at Mom and Dad's bank, and then eat breakfast at (oh my, I don't remember the name. That happens often right now, but it will come back eventually). Well, as most of you know I love photography and have been doing it on the side for 10+ years. I have often wished to do road trips with someone who didn't mind stopping to take pictures, if I saw something that was just too beautiful to pass up. Mom and Dad didn't mind and so we actually stopped a few times to take pictures of the coast. It was a beautiful day! In case we were going to come across more beautiful scenery I left my camera in the back window of my car. Off we went. Mom and I having a wonderful time in the back seat. I was behind dad and mom was behind Scott. We stopped once to use the restroom and then we were off again. I want to say it was about 5:30ish when we started to think about food. I got out my handy little smart phone to try and find a place to eat. Dad and Scott wanted pizza and mom and I wanted a salad. We stopped at one pizza place only to find they didn't have salad and we were only 45 minutes from our destination for a hotel for the night. We decided to wait and drive all the way since all the places we were trying to find as we drove around a big lake (again, I don't remember the name) were dark and uninviting. I remember trying to find hotels on my phone GPS and maybe a place to eat at our destination and that is where my memory leaves off. My last memory of Mom was her and I watching a movie on my laptop as we waited for our destination and she and I were having a lovely time. Now, as the rest was told to me. I believe we were only about 15 minutes from destination when we missed our I5 on ramp and went down this little hill over I5 and pulled over. Dad waited for the car behind us to pass and then started to do a u-turn. With a force of about 55 miles an hour we were hit 100% on my door by a smaller truck. We were all unconscious for at least 30 minutes, for when dad came to, the freeway was lined on both sides with fire trucks, ambulances, police officers, and dad could hear the helicopter making its way to us. Before he saw any of us, but knew that we had been in a terrible accident The Lord said "in all things give thanks for this is the will of God concerning you". Dad said it was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do, to thank God for the accident and the road that lay ahead. I am so proud of my father because he did thank God. He then was taken out of the car where he heard me crying and groaning in pain, even though I was in a coma, as they tell me. They had to cut me out with the jaws of life. He saw his son being taken to an ambulance because he had a concision. He walked around to see my mother only to find that she died instantly without pain. He watched me be life flighted away not knowing if he would ever see me alive again. In all this, he gave thanks to God. Dad was able to ride in the ambulance with Scott to a smaller hospital as the rescue teams cleaned up the accident. My Uncle Ron went straight away to UC Davis medical center where I was taken care of and in ICU. My Uncle Steve's friend and his wife drove to get Dad so they could take him to my hospital. Scott was suffering some memory loss, but the doctors said he would be fine. I opened my eyes for the first time and saw my uncle watching over me. I was very groggy and unaware as he told me I had been in an accident, but was going to be okay. That is all I heard before I was fast asleep again. I woke up a second time to hear my dad and uncle talking about Scott, Dad, and the accident, but there was no mention of mom. I knew something was wrong and asked where mom was and why weren't they talking about her. Dad told me she didn't make it and a wave of emotion spilled over me. Would I panic, be angry, react in despair? Then The Lord said "Anne, I'm sovereign. Do you trust me?" My response was Yes. Then, instantly I was surrounded in peace. I knew my mom was in heaven with The Lord and I knew that God was in control and that was all I needed to know for now. What is our loss here on earth with the passing of my mother is truly her gain. She is without pain and rejoicing in the presents of our sovereign God. I look forward to the day I can rejoice with her.
I will write more soon. God has given me such grace as I could never imagine and so much to be thankful for. These last few months have been quiet a journey and it is not over yet.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Weakness
I cried today. Really cried. I am overwhelmed with the loss of Mom. I get up, walk, eat, breath, clean the house, prepare meals, the list goes on. Every step and every task reminds me of Mom and that she is not here.
I have been told so often that I am so strong. It is rather ironic as it is now more than ever that I feel so weak. Yet, God says in our weakness He is made strong. I would like to point out then, that it is not I who am strong, but The Lord. I must not and can not take credit for it.
I am embraced to say that I have been tempted so many times to give up. I want to crumble into a heap of tears and just say it's too hard. But then I hear God's word. "My grace is sufficient for you" "I will not give you more than you can handle" "for it is God who works in you for His good pleasure." Pardon my interpretation of these verses. These are God's promises. God never breaks His promises.
The last verse is one of my most favorites. It is God who works. Well, that's a relief! Since I am so utterly incapable of moving, getting up in the morning, and rejoicing God gives me grace. I open my eyes and say "good morning Lord" then, He gives me strength to get up, do the task at hand, and get through the day. And I can rejoice. Rejoice, because God is so good. He sustains, He encourages, He gives grace, and if I obey and listen, He directs my days. I can either look for things to grumble and complain about or.......I can rejoice in a God who loves me and is carrying me through one of the toughest struggles of my life and who promises He will never leave me nor forsake me. He knows I hurt. He knows I miss my mother. He knows I am struggling to step up to the plate and be a homemaker in my mothers home as I am constantly reminded of the loss. So He gives me grace and blessings to get through. So my challenge. Don't look at life as if it were impossibly too hard. God says "all things are possible in Him". So, look to God, see His blessings, and as James chapter one says" count it all joy when you encounter various trials". Praise be to our wonderful God who will sustain and get me through. May He be glorified.
I have been told so often that I am so strong. It is rather ironic as it is now more than ever that I feel so weak. Yet, God says in our weakness He is made strong. I would like to point out then, that it is not I who am strong, but The Lord. I must not and can not take credit for it.
I am embraced to say that I have been tempted so many times to give up. I want to crumble into a heap of tears and just say it's too hard. But then I hear God's word. "My grace is sufficient for you" "I will not give you more than you can handle" "for it is God who works in you for His good pleasure." Pardon my interpretation of these verses. These are God's promises. God never breaks His promises.
The last verse is one of my most favorites. It is God who works. Well, that's a relief! Since I am so utterly incapable of moving, getting up in the morning, and rejoicing God gives me grace. I open my eyes and say "good morning Lord" then, He gives me strength to get up, do the task at hand, and get through the day. And I can rejoice. Rejoice, because God is so good. He sustains, He encourages, He gives grace, and if I obey and listen, He directs my days. I can either look for things to grumble and complain about or.......I can rejoice in a God who loves me and is carrying me through one of the toughest struggles of my life and who promises He will never leave me nor forsake me. He knows I hurt. He knows I miss my mother. He knows I am struggling to step up to the plate and be a homemaker in my mothers home as I am constantly reminded of the loss. So He gives me grace and blessings to get through. So my challenge. Don't look at life as if it were impossibly too hard. God says "all things are possible in Him". So, look to God, see His blessings, and as James chapter one says" count it all joy when you encounter various trials". Praise be to our wonderful God who will sustain and get me through. May He be glorified.
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