Obedience

Well, I started work back up on Monday. Silly me, I thought I would be able to last a full day and not miss much in my rhtym I had before. I discovered, that was wishful thinking. At my 2 hour work day mark, I was ready to go home, but I pushed on to put in a 4 hour day. Tuesday, I made it to 4 and then physical therapy. My bones hurt and my emotions are swinging from limb to limb so fast I can't see them straight enough to figure them out. I realize I feel things deeply, which makes me an emtional person, but I like to think that I can aknowlege my emtion, let it out if it doesn't violate God's commandments, and then look at the pieces logically and keep moving forward. The other day, while at Staples, I was so tempted to just sit down on the floor and cry. How embarrasing would that have been. I prayed and kept walking to finish errands for my boss.
Grief and emotions are such an interesting experience. I have heard and believe that everyone deals with things uniquely. There are some similarities amongst people of course, but each one has their own story past, future, and present. After loosing four people I cared about in a year span, I am beginning to believe that not only does each person deal with grief differently, but each grief is different in it's own right.

I wondered if I should write all of this right now. Part of me feels like just emotionally letting go. How funny. I should want to do something even when I don't like doing it. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I find crying on my own feels worse and so lonely right now. I am trying to live life one day at a time, remembering that my hope is in God. He does truly supply all my needs. Like Paul in the Bible. I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to. It is so hard right now trying to go about a normal day. Normal. Does anyone know what that is. I have never found an answer. Steady, consistent, organized, productive. That is what I am trying to do. It is nearly three months since the accident. I look perfectly normal. Healed, happy, and living my life. That is so not true. I somehow feel like I need to tell people I am not normal, that every day missing Mom grows deeper, and that physically my body just isn't keeping up. I'm not asking to be babied. I'm not saying I would change anything. I'm saying I hurt and life Is the farthest thing from normal I could ever imagine. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a two way path and being nocked side to side by motion and yet I have no idea what track I am suppose to be on. I'm trying to find it. Maybe I am on it and I just feel like I should be somewhere else than I am right now. Honestly, that wouldn't surprise me. I always seem to be pushing myself to reach what is just beyond my fingertips. How I long to just sit back and rest and trust God and not put myself through needless struggle. I am reminded of just how human I am and I don't like it. I am so thankful that God is patient with me, I am certainly not patient with myself. Oh, how I see my deep and endless need for God. I see how penetrated by the worlds philosophy I really am. Where do we get told we should be perfect, what standard of okay to I measure myself, what is my view of success based on, how much of my life do I control, don't I deserve to be happy, isn't there something wrong with me if I struggle, doesn't the world only want to spend time with me if I am okay and positive, etc. What do I base my life on? What is truth? Gods word is truth? He has provided all we need for life and godliness. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Not another life. Another way. THE truth, THE life, and THE way. I must separate myself from lies and be obedient to Gods word and truth. How do I know what that is? In His word. Like never before I am seeing the unmeasurable need for Gods word. Not just to read. Not just to know. To be obedient. To do what God says to do. Without question.

In weakness He is made strong. That is not an excuse to be weak. Quite the opposite. We are weak creatures. We are incapable of good. So God sent His Son. Jesus Christ died upon the cross not being recognizable as a man for the beating and torture He went through. He shed His blood so that we may have hope of eternal life. In Christ alone, my hope is found. It is Christ that works in me both to will and do of His good pleasure. Tell me, does it take more courage to try and be good enough and pretend we have it all together or to get on our knees and admit our totally depravity and surrender to God? I pray I learn obedience and let go of the idea that I need to be in control. Father, thank you for your unfailing love. Amen.