Saturday, February 23, 2013

My Loss Her Gain

     It has once again been a while since I last wrote. To be honest, I thought that after the death of Josh and the many struggles and lessons The Lord had for me to learn, that I would enter into a new and joyous year ready to apply these lessons and be used by the Lord. Well, I still hope to be used by The Lord, I am applying the lessons learned, and I rejoice because my God is unchanging and so faithful, however, this year just may be harder than the last. I have come to such a place of peace and rest that God is sovereign and that all He allows has a purpose that will result in good. Oh, how I pray that I will cling and grow ever closer to my God. That my longing to be in His word grows with each passing day resulting in me soaking His word into my life and applying it to all areas. He has given us all we need for life and godliness in His word and I want life. Life free from the world's lies. A life free of fear and unhindered by anything other than the unwavering and unconditional love of our Heavenly Father. A life full of LIFE. To live as Anne the servant and follower of God to follow wherever He would lead and to obey without question the path laid before me. To not try and fill someone else's shoes, but to grow as the woman God made ME to be.
      So, that said. Here I am. It's 11pm where I sit in my bed and unable to keep my mind from pondering so I decided the wait is over. I am ready to put out my thoughts and look at my life. There will be joy, sorrow, laughter, and pain. If you choose to observe this journey and leave footprints along side mine, I would find it a honor. If not, I understand. I know not what lay ahead, but I rest in knowing my God does.
      I shall start for now on December 22. A day that has once again set my world spinning and a day that has made unchangeable change. My Father's sister Terri was passing away of cancer after a very long and strong fight with cancer. With much pain and grief from her past, she turned from The Lord, choosing rather to try living life without the need for others. My heart was heavy as my father, mother, brother, and I got into my 2005 Subaru Legacy and started our journey to California to say goodbye. I5 was nearly closed because of heavy snow, so we decided to drive down the coast and over to the Grass Valley area of California to be safe. It was a lovely trip. We stopped first off in Cave Junction to get gas, make a deposit at Mom and Dad's bank, and then eat breakfast at (oh my, I don't remember the name. That happens often right now, but it will come back eventually). Well, as most of you know I love photography and have been doing it on the side for 10+ years. I have often wished to do road trips with someone who didn't mind stopping to take pictures, if I saw something that was just too beautiful to pass up. Mom and Dad didn't mind and so we actually stopped a few times to take pictures of the coast. It was a beautiful day! In case we were going to come across more beautiful scenery I left my camera in the back window of my car. Off we went. Mom and I having a wonderful time in the back seat. I was behind dad and mom was behind Scott. We stopped once to use the restroom and then we were off again. I want to say it was about 5:30ish when we started to think about food. I got out my handy little smart phone to try and find a place to eat. Dad and Scott wanted pizza and mom and I wanted a salad. We stopped at one pizza place only to find they didn't have salad and we were only 45 minutes from our destination for a hotel for the night. We decided to wait and drive all the way since all the places we were trying to find as we drove around a big lake (again, I don't remember the name) were dark and uninviting. I remember trying to find hotels on my phone GPS and maybe a place to eat at our destination and that is where my memory leaves off. My last memory of Mom was her and I watching a movie on my laptop as we waited for our destination and she and I were having a lovely time. Now, as the rest was told to me. I believe we were only about 15 minutes from destination when we missed our I5 on ramp and went down this little hill over I5 and pulled over. Dad waited for the car behind us to pass and then started to do a u-turn. With a force of about 55 miles an hour we were hit 100% on my door by a smaller truck. We were all unconscious for at least 30 minutes, for when dad came to, the freeway was lined on both sides with fire trucks, ambulances, police officers, and dad could hear the helicopter making its way to us. Before he saw any of us, but knew that we had been in a terrible accident The Lord said "in all things give thanks for this is the will of God concerning you". Dad said it was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do, to thank God for the accident and the road that lay ahead. I am so proud of my father because he did thank God. He then was taken out of the car where he heard me crying and groaning in pain, even though I was in a coma, as they tell me. They had to cut me out with the jaws of life. He saw his son being taken to an ambulance because he had a concision. He walked around to see my mother only to find that she died instantly without pain. He watched me be life flighted away not knowing if he would ever see me alive again. In all this, he gave thanks to God. Dad was able to ride in the ambulance with Scott to a smaller hospital as the rescue teams cleaned up the accident. My Uncle Ron went straight away to UC Davis medical center where I was taken care of and in ICU. My Uncle Steve's friend and his wife drove to get Dad so they could take him to my hospital. Scott was suffering some memory loss, but the doctors said he would be fine. I opened my eyes for the first time and saw my uncle watching over me. I was very groggy and unaware as he told me I had been in an accident, but was going to be okay. That is all I heard before I was fast asleep again. I woke up a second time to hear my dad and uncle talking about Scott, Dad, and the accident, but there was no mention of mom. I knew something was wrong and asked where mom was and why weren't they talking about her. Dad told me she didn't make it and a wave of emotion spilled over me. Would I panic, be angry, react in despair? Then The Lord said "Anne, I'm sovereign. Do you trust me?" My response was Yes. Then, instantly I was surrounded in peace. I knew my mom was in heaven with The Lord and I knew that God was in control and that was all I needed to know for now. What is our loss here on earth with the passing of my mother is truly her gain. She is without pain and rejoicing in the presents of our sovereign God. I look forward to the day I can rejoice with her.
I will write more soon. God has given me such grace as I could never imagine and so much to be thankful for. These last few months have been quiet a journey and it is not over yet.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


I cried today. Really cried. I am overwhelmed with the loss of Mom. I get up, walk, eat, breath, clean the house, prepare meals, the list goes on. Every step and every task reminds me of Mom and that she is not here.
I have been told so often that I am so strong. It is rather ironic as it is now more than ever that I feel so weak. Yet, God says in our weakness He is made strong. I would like to point out then, that it is not I who am strong, but The Lord. I must not and can not take credit for it.
I am embraced to say that I have been tempted so many times to give up. I want to crumble into a heap of tears and just say it's too hard. But then I hear God's word. "My grace is sufficient for you" "I will not give you more than you can handle" "for it is God who works in you for His good pleasure." Pardon my interpretation of these verses. These are God's promises. God never breaks His promises.
The last verse is one of my most favorites. It is God who works. Well, that's a relief! Since I am so utterly incapable of moving, getting up in the morning, and rejoicing God gives me grace. I open my eyes and say "good morning Lord" then, He gives me strength to get up, do the task at hand, and get through the day. And I can rejoice. Rejoice, because God is so good. He sustains, He encourages, He gives grace, and if I obey and listen, He directs my days. I can either look for things to grumble and complain about or.......I can rejoice in a God who loves me and is carrying me through one of the toughest struggles of my life and who promises He will never leave me nor forsake me. He knows I hurt. He knows I miss my mother. He knows I am struggling to step up to the plate and be a homemaker in my mothers home as I am constantly reminded of the loss. So He gives me grace and blessings to get through. So my challenge. Don't look at life as if it were impossibly too hard. God says "all things are possible in Him". So, look to God, see His blessings, and as James chapter one says" count it all joy when you encounter various trials". Praise be to our wonderful God who will sustain and get me through. May He be glorified.