Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Well, I started work back up on Monday. Silly me, I thought I would be able to last a full day and not miss much in my rhtym I had before. I discovered, that was wishful thinking. At my 2 hour work day mark, I was ready to go home, but I pushed on to put in a 4 hour day. Tuesday, I made it to 4 and then physical therapy. My bones hurt and my emotions are swinging from limb to limb so fast I can't see them straight enough to figure them out. I realize I feel things deeply, which makes me an emtional person, but I like to think that I can aknowlege my emtion, let it out if it doesn't violate God's commandments, and then look at the pieces logically and keep moving forward. The other day, while at Staples, I was so tempted to just sit down on the floor and cry. How embarrasing would that have been. I prayed and kept walking to finish errands for my boss.
Grief and emotions are such an interesting experience. I have heard and believe that everyone deals with things uniquely. There are some similarities amongst people of course, but each one has their own story past, future, and present. After loosing four people I cared about in a year span, I am beginning to believe that not only does each person deal with grief differently, but each grief is different in it's own right.

I wondered if I should write all of this right now. Part of me feels like just emotionally letting go. How funny. I should want to do something even when I don't like doing it. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I find crying on my own feels worse and so lonely right now. I am trying to live life one day at a time, remembering that my hope is in God. He does truly supply all my needs. Like Paul in the Bible. I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to. It is so hard right now trying to go about a normal day. Normal. Does anyone know what that is. I have never found an answer. Steady, consistent, organized, productive. That is what I am trying to do. It is nearly three months since the accident. I look perfectly normal. Healed, happy, and living my life. That is so not true. I somehow feel like I need to tell people I am not normal, that every day missing Mom grows deeper, and that physically my body just isn't keeping up. I'm not asking to be babied. I'm not saying I would change anything. I'm saying I hurt and life Is the farthest thing from normal I could ever imagine. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a two way path and being nocked side to side by motion and yet I have no idea what track I am suppose to be on. I'm trying to find it. Maybe I am on it and I just feel like I should be somewhere else than I am right now. Honestly, that wouldn't surprise me. I always seem to be pushing myself to reach what is just beyond my fingertips. How I long to just sit back and rest and trust God and not put myself through needless struggle. I am reminded of just how human I am and I don't like it. I am so thankful that God is patient with me, I am certainly not patient with myself. Oh, how I see my deep and endless need for God. I see how penetrated by the worlds philosophy I really am. Where do we get told we should be perfect, what standard of okay to I measure myself, what is my view of success based on, how much of my life do I control, don't I deserve to be happy, isn't there something wrong with me if I struggle, doesn't the world only want to spend time with me if I am okay and positive, etc. What do I base my life on? What is truth? Gods word is truth? He has provided all we need for life and godliness. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Not another life. Another way. THE truth, THE life, and THE way. I must separate myself from lies and be obedient to Gods word and truth. How do I know what that is? In His word. Like never before I am seeing the unmeasurable need for Gods word. Not just to read. Not just to know. To be obedient. To do what God says to do. Without question.

In weakness He is made strong. That is not an excuse to be weak. Quite the opposite. We are weak creatures. We are incapable of good. So God sent His Son. Jesus Christ died upon the cross not being recognizable as a man for the beating and torture He went through. He shed His blood so that we may have hope of eternal life. In Christ alone, my hope is found. It is Christ that works in me both to will and do of His good pleasure. Tell me, does it take more courage to try and be good enough and pretend we have it all together or to get on our knees and admit our totally depravity and surrender to God? I pray I learn obedience and let go of the idea that I need to be in control. Father, thank you for your unfailing love. Amen.

Friday, March 1, 2013

I'm Still Here

Well, I am taking for granted the fact that I am still here. I am so ready to be normal and back to my old self and yet, I lived through a horrible accident. I had an accident three years ago that I was blessed to live through, and after, I thought I was done with car accidents. I guess not.

Here is one picture of my car. If you looked at the right side, you wouldn't know it had been in an accident. The front drivers door still opens and closes normally. My door, well...that is a different story. It was hit completely by a mid sized truck (I heard a Ford F150) going about 55 miles an hour.

It took my along time before I could look at pictures. I am so thankful my friend Kendon stopped and got them for me. Outside of Gods grace, it was the build of my car for safety and the side airbag that saved my life. But, since nothing is outside of the Lord's plan for me I praise Him for saving my life.

There are so many aspects to these last few months, that I find myself a little at a loss as to what to write first. I think I will talk today about my biggest fear that I had to overcome from the accident. I mentioned above that I feel like I am taking for granted that I am still here. I hope that I don't follow that thought pattern. I am so thankful to be alive and I am apprehensive, I will admit, and excited to see why God spared my life. He must have something else He wants to do with me and in me. For all that the Lord has done for me, I wish I didn't still struggle with apprehension. He saved my life, He has given me grace, He has delivered me from the hand of darkness so many times.Thus, it is only by His grace and faithfulness that I am here today and where I am at and He is lovingly and patiently drawing me closer to Him. I feel closer to Him today than I ever have and see more how much I have to learn. I think God must be smiling at me right now, as He knows my thoughts and my puzzlement and His unfathomable love.

So, to my biggest fear. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was released 1-2 weeks sooner than they expected. Looking back I am so glad that was the case as they also sent me home with a $280,000 bill. I had no idea hospitals were so expensive and yet they were something I literally couldn't live without. Like everything else God has taken care of, I know He will also take care of this bill. However, when I was released from the hospital, the doctors wanted me on Coumadin. Coumadin is a literal rat poison that given in small enough dosses thins the blood. That is great because not being able to walk or move much, the potential for blood clots, which can be deadly, was hi. Well, then the hospital had to have me watch a video about all the side affects. There were so many bad reactions to the drug and then one of the warnings. Don't eat too many green leafy vegetables or fruits as that will thin the blood too much. WOW. Question. Why not just eat green leafy vegetables, take natural supplements, and not have all the nasty side affects? So, that is what I decided to do. The doctors were taken by surprise and the hospital was abuzz with concern that I might not be okay, that the supplements (specific ones given to me by a nurse who uses natural supplements to promote healing the bones and thinning the blood to a safe level) might not work. I heard warning after warning after warning. To my disappointment, I soaked up the fear like a sponge. I got home from the hospital and every day begged God to not let me die. I realized He had spared me from the accident on 12-22-12, but I was afraid to die. I had been through so much through 2012, that I didn't want to have it be for nothing. Bottom line, I was terrified and was not trusting God. This went on for weeks. Fear was eating away at me as I tried to push it away. I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to finally experience the freedom I had found in Christ, ironically, while I was rejecting that freedom in my state of fear. I finally tearfully talked to Dad. He reminded me that God is sovereign. God saved my life. God would not let me die until it was my time to go. We had just been ready to open some Christmas gifts from Mom that had been sitting on a chair since before the accident. I opened my first gift from Mom. It's almost if she knew where I would be the moment I opened it. It was a journal. A journal to write down events, thoughts, and blessings from my life. And then, written inside. "'Believe God's word and power more than you believe your own feelings and experiences. Your rock is Christ, and it is not the Rock which ebbs and flows, but your sea.' Samuel Rutheford. Anne, may God satisfy all your longings and fill all your hallow places with His lavish, unfailing love. ~ Mom. Phillipians 4:8 " Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

Mom gave me such a gift. The gift of writing a future that God had in store for me, the gift of remembering to put my trust in God who is my rock, and the reminder to choose what I allow myself to think on. From that day forward my fear diminished as my eyes looked for and found so many things to be thankful for. So many blessings God has bestowed. My I grow more in my praise of God and may my eyes look to Him for everything in my life. My mother has blessed my life so much. I miss her deeply and yet I will stand on my rock and my savior who has a perfect plan for my life, which would be no life at all lived outside of obedience to Him. Thank you Lord for the gift of life in you!