Thoughts

Interesting title since that is the name of my overall blog.. Anyway, I was in bed with the little heater that looks like a fireplace going and was trying to sleep. My mind started going and going and going and ...well, you get the picture so...here I am writing a blog so I can get this all off my mind and then I can actually catch some sleep. These last couple of days have been big ones. Lots of things noticed, lots of ideas challenged, and yes..even the things I would rather ignore brought more into the light (don't you just love it when that happens). I believe it means that life is about to take a big turn and change. Now, as for me, I do not really like lots of change, but I am noticing that God does have a plan in it all SHOCK!! He is really amazing even when I can not see. I am 28, single, and .....well, most of my friends are married, have kids, and are either 10+ years older than me or 10+ years younger. So, where does that leave me....I still haven't really figured that out. I never wanted to live life alone where is was about me, but I think I got being alone and living for myself mixed up. I think I have to learn to function alone, live alone, and be content being alone, while I care about and help and meet the needs of others (by God's grace). To be honest, it isn't easy, but the more I try and find some sort of support or encouragement from people and ignore certain things the more I want to run away from people entirely and just be a hermit. Vicious circle. I mean, seriously, who is going to hurt you if you are alone. Well, that would be yourself so there really isn't a win win is there. I believe that my purpose on earth is to bring glory to God and to love my neighbor as myself. So, if I can learn to do that then I won't have to worry about living for myself, but at the same time...there are some people I can't keep doing things for because it is not my need to fill. Uggg...so many choices and yes, i mess up a lot of them. Last couple of days I have been praised and lifted up and dumped, ignored, and forgotten. God is the only one that stayed and went with me. In fact, He is always with me. So, when I hear praise I don't always know how to take it and when I have the negative happen, for some reason that is what I expect. I think that is all I am worth. Now, I know logically that is not good, but I have not learned yet how to truly believe otherwise. It seems when I finally venture out and test it I get hit back down and just want to disappear. But then I have to think for a minute...there was something beautiful in the pain and experience so is that one beautiful thing worth everything else? Tonight, people who may not have a lot of family and live in a retirement home were smiling, dancing, and remembering their past. That is something isn't it. What about the one person who wanted to come. Wanted... I didn't even have to ask. What about the one person that noticed out of 12 and cared. So, it seems the rejection and negative hurt and stand out so much more, but yet...I have to stop and see the good or I will loose all hope. I was prayed with today and the person praying asked the Lord to give me confirmation that I was suppose to do what I was doing. Then, it seemed I got nothing but negative. But, then, I saw the people enjoying themselves and being blessed, They noticed the wholesomeness to the songs I chose, and ...the Lord gave me Proverbs 108:1 tonight. You should look it up. Out of the ashes....is a much truer refined beauty that I hope I can look for, discover, and rejoice in more than the ashes and darkness around me. This may not make much sense to anyone else reading, but it sure has helped me re look at today and actually the last several days. Life is changing, I am changing, may God lead where He would have me go. I will run the race and I will fight the good fight and I will not give up. Might change..lol...but I will get up, dust myself off, and keep going. I am on earth for the glory of God. To serve and do His bidding. I must and will learn to see myself as God sees me, as much as it will ever be possible for me to do so. I will reject the views and actions of the world and only take to heart who God says I am. Lets see, now that I have my goal down I should set a time frame, don't you think. Lets see.. Got it... the rest of my life.. here goes to a life following Christ.  ....P.S. I just want to say for the record....please please please learn to be honest!! It hurts so much more to be told empty promises and invitations when your heart is not in it, you wish otherwise, and/or you only say you want you think the other person wants to hear. For the truth will find you out and I tell you this...It hurts so much more finding the truth later after believing a lie than being told the truth up front. Yes, sometimes it can sting, but rather that then a wound to the heart. Just saying..

So many other things and topics, but I don't know that I can get them all down tonight so. As a reminder for what I would like to write later. 1. Honesty 2. Listening to that still small voice that is yelling at you. 3. Choosing to invest your time wisely. 4. Being alone and what to do about it.  Okay, well Goodnight now. Lord, thank you for being the one unchanging and constant in my life. When all else seems lost, you are always there.