Emotions

Wow, so....today is one of the better days I have had in a while. Things seem a little clearer and hope feels a little bit more near than it has in a while. And....I have not made it more than two days without crying in a while. I was just thinking about that. How much in my mind I want to be done crying and yet every time I cry I am giving up trying to make myself better and just acknowledging where I am at I feel just a little bit better. I do have good times and I also have times that just really hurt. So, if I can be honest with where I am at, and am willing to face it, than God can work and show me where He wants me to go. A friend shared today a story of where there had been an accident and how the person that got hurt could have died and the fear of the moment and the uncertainty was so frightening and it reminded me so much of Josh and May 5th. I believe God is sovereign and I am so glad He knows what He is doing because I don't really know what I am doing other than finding more and more how weak I am and how strong God is. I have tried to not be an emotional person, but I am. That is the way God designed me. So, God, please help my emotions to be used in positive ways and not in negative. I feel deeply for people. I see an ambulance or firetruck with lights blaring and I immediately start praying that no one is hurt and that if they are there souls are right with God. It gets me so much I have a hard time not crying and I wonder how everyone is doing and if there family is okay. Emotions hurt, but they also can bring such joy and happiness. Baby stepping my way through learning to be an Anne that glorifies God and is who He created her to be. ..So,......not sure if that makes sense, but I sure feel better for writing it. Praise the Lord.

Let Go and Let God

     Well, I am going to try and get some thoughts out today. This may be a bit random, but here goes. This last week has been really hard. I was feeling a bit better and then more stuff starting popping up that threw me into the world of confusion and frustration. Frustration with what? Myself. I have spent so much of my life trying to be good enough, trying to be the right person, trying to say the right things, and trying to meet expectations that either someone or I have set for myself. Most of the time, I just discover how far I am from meeting expectations and therefore can never be content where I am at. I know we are suppose to be willing vessels for the Lord to change, but when I try and get my hands in the clay I just make a mess of things.
     I used to be terrified of the river. When I was about 4 years old I fell in to the Applegate river and all I remember is bobbing up and down, but never coming above the water so I could breathe. My mom jumped in and pulled me out, but ever since currents and rivers have scared me to pieces. Getting pushed into water, being pushed down, and not being able to get to the surface as quickly as I want still grip me in fear, but I had learned to push through and get through such things without hyperventilating and going into complete panic. Now, after Josh's death I feel more terrified than before. My friend Stephen took me out on a kayak the other day to get me use to being near/on top of water again. I thought if I could do that or just jump in and start swimming I could just get over my fear and be okay. Well, I was wrong. I think being on top of the water was helpful, but......I was still so afraid.
     So, how does the second paragraph relate to the first. Because I actually thought I could control and make myself get better and I could make myself be who I thought I needed to be. Once again, A BIG FAIL.
     So, I am ranting about how I am not good enough, that I can't do enough, and really...I am powerless. What I am really trying to say is this... It is by grace through faith that I am saved and not of my own merit lest I should boast. I have been so prideful to think that I could work out my faith. That I could control life. That I could become the perfect christian. I can not. I am full of flaws and sins and every day I fall short. Thank God, it's by His death on the cross that my debt to sin was paid and by His grace that I can live. I can only live one day at a time. I can hardly think a week ahead. I feel like a child learning to walk for the first time. Its a bit shaky, I fall down, and then I am afraid to get back up sometimes. Then the Lord picks me up, tells me He loves me, and encourages me to take another step. I am baby stepping my way through letting go and letting God. He is my rock and my salvation. I can not live life alone. I can not make it on my own. In Christ alone my hope is found. I am so thankful for the Lord working through the body of Christ. Where two or more are gathered there is the Lord. A cord of three is not easily broken. Iron sharpening iron. Yeah, I do not need to be alone. I am not alone. Thank you Lord. In my weakness He is made strong. It has taken me so long to get to the point where I can say I can't do it. Only God. I have to let go and trust. It feels frightening at times, but when I let go the peace and freedom is like nothing I have ever felt before. Today Lord, help me to let go and let God.

Today

One day, One hour, One minute, & yes, even One second. Have you ever thought of the fact that an entire life is made up of these? Life isn't made up of what I am doing tomorrow or next year, it's made up of what I am I doing right now. So, I guess the question would be....What am I doing right now? That is one of the most interesting parts of my days. Sometimes I know and sometimes, I feel like I am just getting by. My foundation has been through a tremendous heartache and attack of fear and all I know is that it has not fallen completely, but that God is rebuilding and fixing the cracks and I am just waiting to see the outcome. I have moments of bravery where I feel like I can fly and am overcoming the obstacles and then I doubt and wonder if I really can or if it is going to be too painful and I start to look for the closets dark corner to hide in. I am really such a strange and sinful creature. Yet, God is so patient. He is my ever ready help. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. He understands my thoughts from afar. He has plans of good and not evil for me.
      I went to the redwoods with some friends yesterday. Strange, it never really crossed my mind how similar it would feel to May 5th. I forgot we were next to a river, that we would walk over rocks and trails and creeks. Today, one moment at a time I strive to live by grace and turn my thoughts to the Lord and let Him, in His time, heal my heart, mind, and recreate me as He wills to bring glory to His name. I can't make this journey alone. How hard it has been to get to a point where I can say that. On Christ Alone my hope is found. Today I will live by grace and believe in the hope of God's calling.

Ramblings

June 6th 2012 - How time flies and yet sometimes it seems to hold so still. It has been just over a month since the loss of Josh. It has set me on a journey I did not see coming. It has resolved areas in my life I didn't look at to see that I needed to face them. If has left me with questions. It has opened some of my deepest fears and God has gently started plucking away the scars to heal my heart and mind. I am opening my Bible and feeling the comfort of God start to wash over me. His truth giving me hope. His light illuminating a new path I am to take. I tend to like to have my life planned out. My day planner is crammed with things to do, people to see, places to go and yet....I can only seem to get by one day at a time. I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do not know what the end of the year will look like. I don't have the answer to all of my questions. It's like a puzzle and I only get a piece of it one day at a time. I did not know May 5th would come to a close without Josh. I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do not know when my last breath will take place. God does. Lord, take away my selfishness, pride, and strip me of fear and help me to live a life fully committed day by day to your glory and drawing near to you. In Christ alone my hope is found and in Him will I place my trust, He my ever present help.