Let Go and Let God

     Well, I am going to try and get some thoughts out today. This may be a bit random, but here goes. This last week has been really hard. I was feeling a bit better and then more stuff starting popping up that threw me into the world of confusion and frustration. Frustration with what? Myself. I have spent so much of my life trying to be good enough, trying to be the right person, trying to say the right things, and trying to meet expectations that either someone or I have set for myself. Most of the time, I just discover how far I am from meeting expectations and therefore can never be content where I am at. I know we are suppose to be willing vessels for the Lord to change, but when I try and get my hands in the clay I just make a mess of things.
     I used to be terrified of the river. When I was about 4 years old I fell in to the Applegate river and all I remember is bobbing up and down, but never coming above the water so I could breathe. My mom jumped in and pulled me out, but ever since currents and rivers have scared me to pieces. Getting pushed into water, being pushed down, and not being able to get to the surface as quickly as I want still grip me in fear, but I had learned to push through and get through such things without hyperventilating and going into complete panic. Now, after Josh's death I feel more terrified than before. My friend Stephen took me out on a kayak the other day to get me use to being near/on top of water again. I thought if I could do that or just jump in and start swimming I could just get over my fear and be okay. Well, I was wrong. I think being on top of the water was helpful, but......I was still so afraid.
     So, how does the second paragraph relate to the first. Because I actually thought I could control and make myself get better and I could make myself be who I thought I needed to be. Once again, A BIG FAIL.
     So, I am ranting about how I am not good enough, that I can't do enough, and really...I am powerless. What I am really trying to say is this... It is by grace through faith that I am saved and not of my own merit lest I should boast. I have been so prideful to think that I could work out my faith. That I could control life. That I could become the perfect christian. I can not. I am full of flaws and sins and every day I fall short. Thank God, it's by His death on the cross that my debt to sin was paid and by His grace that I can live. I can only live one day at a time. I can hardly think a week ahead. I feel like a child learning to walk for the first time. Its a bit shaky, I fall down, and then I am afraid to get back up sometimes. Then the Lord picks me up, tells me He loves me, and encourages me to take another step. I am baby stepping my way through letting go and letting God. He is my rock and my salvation. I can not live life alone. I can not make it on my own. In Christ alone my hope is found. I am so thankful for the Lord working through the body of Christ. Where two or more are gathered there is the Lord. A cord of three is not easily broken. Iron sharpening iron. Yeah, I do not need to be alone. I am not alone. Thank you Lord. In my weakness He is made strong. It has taken me so long to get to the point where I can say I can't do it. Only God. I have to let go and trust. It feels frightening at times, but when I let go the peace and freedom is like nothing I have ever felt before. Today Lord, help me to let go and let God.